DEI | Finding My Own Voice and Cultural Identity. Full Circle in 20 years. (ft. drone view of Seoul)

Hi Folks,

Today, I wanted to talk about something personal. I was much inspired by one of my mentors, Simon, to share something deeply personal like this. In a way, it can be healing and cathartic and I hope this can also inspire other people to be more comfortable with their authentic selves.

It's been 20 years since I left Seoul, South Korea alone to study abroad. (Yes, I had a big ambition and dream to help people and change the world. I am laughing at my younger self now 🤣, but back then, I was dead serious.) Looking back, 20 years were years of my life where I tried to 'fit in' and 'acclimate myself to the Western culture' as I grew up and lived in Canada, the US, and later in the UK - away from my family in South Korea which risked me losing my own identity as Korean and my connection with my roots and heritage.

In fact, it was a two-part layered issue I had to reconcile. One driven by my gender as a woman in a patriarchal society and the other by my ethnicity as Asian in Western society. In a way, I had been also full of rebellious spirit and I wanted to prove that a woman can build her life independently on her terms away from the male-dominant Asian society.

When I was born, my gender was a disappointment to many elderly people in my family, including my dad. He wanted a son. My mum had to go through a painful metamorphosis to turn herself into a fierce lioness from a fragile gazel to protect my older sister and me in an environment like the Savanah jungle where we were constantly talked down to and perceived as less than sons. The elderly people kept on pressuring my mum to produce a son in front of me, to which she daringly responded that she was perfectly happy with the two girls and she will raise us to be the future leaders of this country (South Korea).

My father later became my biggest champion and supported my study and ambition - noting he wants me to be the future leader/pillar of the country, but his message always started with the phrase 'despite you are a woman.' I had an implicit understanding that I will carry the family name and legacy forward - or so I thought. Nobody asked me for it, but I carried on with my life as if I had the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. Unbeknownst to all, I was preparing myself for the 'throne' in secret. I became obsessed with how 'crown princes' around the world were groomed and trained for 'kingship' throughout history. I read what those people read and tried to follow their routines, thinking I can draw some inspiration from them. When I was in kindergarten, I used to create a daily timetable and manage my time in 'minutes' as if I was a CEO of a mega-conglomerate, thinking I should maximize my efficiency. I was trying to think and behave like a 'reliable son' that my father never had so that I can get his approval. The punch line here or should I say the sad thing is that the 'throne' didn't even exist in the first place. It was all in my head. Hindsight - this was a perfect comedy skit!

When I was in high school, one day, I was visiting my family in South Korea and my father called me into his study and shockingly lamented that it is the end of his lineage because he doesn't have an heir - the son to carry his name and legacy forward. Or does he? I would never want to find out the truth. He made a declaration then, but it took me several years to understand what he meant. (Side Note: In South Korea, there is a separate institute that keeps the record of the noble family clan tree of its own; for instance, the earliest record of my father's family goes back to the 10th century, started by one of the founding members of Goryeo. Here is a wiki explanation about the Pyeongsan Shin clan. My mother for instance is from the Gwangsan Kim clan, a prominent noble family clan in the Joseon Dynasty that originated in the 8th century from the prince of Silla, but in modern South Korea, nobody cares about the clan and the aristocratic/noble class called Yangban anymore - albeit, I have to admit, I might be old-fashioned to even talk about these lol).

I had thought he came around and was on the other side of the table, supporting equal rights for women, but clearly, I was wrong. So, this further ignited my desire to show my father what I am capable of. To be more precise - it became me vs. all men in the world (quick note - this anger was tamed later when I got into university - this is a separate blog post). I wanted to build something on my own with my hands - not as a daughter of so and so but as an individual EJ Shin (as you can see, this is not a healthy place to operate from - your fulfillment and self-worth should not come from external validation or material things; you are enough just because). I visited my family in Seoul every year but only stayed for a couple of days before leaving, as being in that environment was triggering for me. I didn't even explore - simply the airport and home + some hospital check-ups and that was it. While I was in Toronto, NYC, and London - I stayed away from Korean people or anything Korean because again, it was triggering for me - they reminded me of the male-oriented and female-oppressing social practices and norms (in certain cases, entail domestic violence, infidelity, entertainment, etc.).

20 years passed like that. Drifting...not able to touch the ground with my feet...

And of course, life catches you when you are out of alignment. I realized there is a reason why not everyone leaves their hometown to live on a tropical island where the weather is beautiful and the view is heavenly. It's difficult to build one's life from scratch without anyone's help. I was confused about my cultural identity having lived across Seoul, Toronto, New York and London. I felt like I had been drifting - not able to touch the ground with my feet. I gave myself an identity as a 'global citizen' who does not belong anywhere but belongs everywhere, but eventually, I realized that is not how the world works. That is not how people see me. The longer I try to dispute that 'system' or 'social norms' the more exhausting and less productive I would be. 'Emptiness' is what you get when you deny who you are and the blood running through your veins. So, I let it go.

During the pandemic lockdown in 2020, I had a rude awakening where I came to terms with my cultural identity - Korean. I also finally came to terms with my gender as a woman in this male-dominant world (I realized that women's rights issues are universal beyond South Korea). Subsequently, I had the opportunity to spend 3 months in Seoul with my family for the first time in many years. During those three months, I had the opportunity to explore Seoul in depth. I was amazed by the development and changes I saw. I also found much hope in younger generations and how women's rights have advanced over time. Still much needs to be done, but it was less triggering for me to walk around the city. It was a profoundly healing experience.

I left my heart filled with warmth. Finally being able to touch the ground with my feet. I worked on my Korean - both verbal and written - and caught up with Korean TV shows and entertainment called 'Hanryu'. I also started to eat Korean food again and learned to cook Korean food or at least to have 'cooked rice' more regularly with a rice cooker (I bought one during the pandemic). I started to connect with Korean people in the cities I live and also old friends in Seoul, and realized how biased I had been. The world has evolved, but I have been stuck in the past alone in anger. It was time for me to get out of my own cave.

I am sure many expats and those who grew up moving around the world would resonate with my story. Types of confusion one would get is a multi-faceted issue across one's race, nationality, class, and gender. I went on two decades of the healing journey and this is for a separate post, but after all those trials and errors, I realized the sooner I let go of the emotional baggage associated with these, the more productive and proactively I can lead my life as a main character.

Still, it is a journey as I move around and look for a place to settle, but in the meantime, I wanted to share a beautiful drone view of Seoul that I came across on the internet. Hope you enjoy! :) Let me know if you had similar experiences - and how you are tackling the conundrums you faced/have been facing.

P.S. This is my great great great great great...aunt grandmother. Her name is Shin SaImDang / 신사임당 (29 October 1504 – 17 May 1551). She is the symbol of a virtuous good wife and a good mother in South Korea, which allowed her to be the first female to be printed on the Korean bill (the 50,000 won). Her son - Yi I - one of the most popular scholars in South Korea is also on the 5,000 won bill.

Against the social norms of her time, she was educated by her father and became an artist, poet, writer, and calligrapher. An independent lady (in loose terms) to the extent where it was allowed - she didn’t leave her family home for her husband's family after getting married for example.

In her time (Joseon Dynasty), Korea was under Confucian influence, where women's rights were oppressed. Prior to Confucianism, women had equal rights to education, property, divorce, and inheritance as men, but all of these were stripped away with the introduction of Confucianism, starting from the 13th century.

I suppose my rebellious spirit runs in the family! 🤣

Here are some videos and photos of Seoul...