Mental Health | On Happiness

Hi All,

Today, I'd like to delve into the topic of 'happiness.' How do you define happiness? Recently, I had a conversation with an old friend who posed a thought-provoking question: What is happiness to you? Can happiness serve as a guiding star for us to map out our life goals and plans?

In this post, I'll be sharing my personal reflections and insights from the perspective of a highly independent, goal-oriented, and self-critical individual who strives for excellence - and how I overcame my life-long depression as a highly sensitive person and an empath without the help of medicines i.e. what worked for me. Of course, if this viewpoint doesn't resonate with you, please feel free to interpret it according to your own context.

To set the scene as to why I am talking about this topic. In this smartphone era, we are seeing youth mental health collapsing. Teenagers' suicidal rate also skyrocketed around the world. Studies suggest this started to happen from 2010 give or take a year or two — when smartphones went from luxury to ubiquity. Check out this FT article. Of course, the issue is not limited to youth.

• Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky noted in his Stanford talk, two out of three teenagers are chronically lonely in the US. That correlates to feelings of hopelessness and depression. One out of three adults in America is lonely, but two out of three teenagers is lonely. One in five teenagers has made a suicide plan in the last year. Indeed, the number of US high school students who say their life often feels meaningless has rocketed in the past 12 years.  
• In the UK, 50% of university students say they have 'mental health issues' during their university years. More than half of Year 12 students also reported poor mental wellbeing since lockdown according to the study.
• In France, rates of depression among 15- to 24-year-olds have quadrupled in the past decade.
• South Korea is #1 in suicidal rates among OECD countries.

So, I felt the need to talk about happiness to create a safe space for people to realize that they are not alone in this if they are going through some tough times, and also to share their thoughts if they are compelled to do so.

I. What is Happiness?

Let's start by defining what I mean by 'happiness' before we explore ways to cultivate it in our lives. Of course, everyone's definition of happiness can vary, but here's my interpretation: happiness is a positive emotion that originates within us and is influenced by our thoughts, actions, and environment. It's a state of well-being, satisfaction, and contentment that we experience when we accomplish our goals, cherish our relationships, and find a sense of purpose in life.

⚠️❗Warning!) The following section is my personal story. If you don't want to deal w/ TMI, pls feel free to skip and get to the suggested solution part.

However, I understand that happiness can seem like an abstract concept, particularly if you're someone like me who, as a high achiever, spent most of their life focused on one goal without knowing how to relax or have fun. In my case, it was a self-anointed mission to help people and change the world for the better. For this mission, I left my country at age 14 alone, without much preparation (literally everything happened in a month), and had to learn to survive in a foreign land by myself, surrounded by different cultures and languages. Had I stayed in South Korea, in a way, I was set for life. In South Korea, back then, if you were good in school, your life was already decided for you bearing any unforeseen circumstances. You go to the top university, get a job at the top company, marry rich, have children, do some charities/philanthropy, and die. But I ditched security for my mission. While I was at the top of my class in South Korea, studying in English in a Canadian gifted high school was a completely different game. I even graduated early (finished 6 semesters' worth of study in 5 semesters) in Canada, but I felt miserable at the time because I was uncertain about my future prospects. My goal was to go to Harvard since I was in kindergarten, but my life was not panning out that way. The whole studying abroad was part of my strategy to get into Harvard lol. Add on the pressure that my parents paid a fortune and made a bet on me to support my study abroad; I felt like a total failure! As a result, seeking happiness felt like a luxury to me.

This mindset persisted throughout my university years and into my job. Looking back, even when I was achieving great success academically back in school in South Korea, I still felt anxious, unworthy, and depressed. The funny thing is I don't know where this was coming from - my parents never asked me to study or asked me to be somebody unlike other Asian parents. I just remember I didn't enjoy the attention or jealousy that came from my school peers or their parents, and happiness seemed like a foreign concept. Although there were other factors that contributed to my depression, such as being a purist and self-absorbed judgmental prick seeking perfection in everything and everyone in a world like the 'Succession' TV show, and being disheartened by the fact that the world is full of flaws and imperfections, incl. myself. I will write about this in a separate post.

Indeed, it took me several years of healing to rediscover the feeling of happiness again during the pandemic lockdown. I realized that I had become a workaholic because I was addicted to suffering, burying my sorrows in my work (check out Dr. Máté Gábor's explanation for more. His definition of addiction is 'any behavior that gives you temporary relief temporary pleasure but in the long term causes harm, has some negative consequences and you can't give it up despite those negative consequences...there are many addictions; addictions to drugs, power, work, consumerism, foods, alcohol, etc. So many of us are trying to fill that emptiness from the outside and the addiction is all about trying to feel that emptiness from the outside). Funny enough, because I never discussed the matter even with my family or anyone else (I was also good at faking happiness), I thought everyone's default mode was 'suffering' or 'depressed' like me - I genuinely thought, people were just championing through each day. So, I would tell myself that I should get tougher and stronger like everybody else.

If you feel disconnected from your own heart and have forgotten what happiness feels like, you may find Martin Seligman's happiness formula helpful.

Seligman is a psychologist who is known for his work on positive psychology and happiness. Seligman has identified three dimensions of happiness that can be cultivated: the Pleasant Life, the Good Life, and the Meaningful Life.

However, his formula for happiness is often referred to as the "Happiness Formula" and is represented as H = S + C + V. The H stands for happiness, and S, C, and V represent three factors that contribute to happiness. S stands for Set-point, which is the genetic and learned tendency for happiness that a person has. C stands for Conditions of living, which includes factors such as income, social support, and physical health. Finally, V stands for Voluntary actions, which are actions that a person can take to increase their happiness, such as engaging in hobbies or volunteering.

Side Note) Interestingly, the US study suggests people tend to be least happy when they are in their early 50s and most happy when they are over 80s, and in general, married people are happier than non-married people. I don't mean to over-generalize, but seeing this graph below made me want to prioritize having a meaningful partnership to increase the happiness score of my life! Of course, marriage doesn't fix all of our problems and sometimes it could cause more inconvenience and drama vs. being alone, but I suppose companionship and building a life together with someone special would be still worthwhile :).

Tip 1: Take Better Care of Your Health (Self-care)

First and foremost, the most important thing is our physical health. This is the most fundamental element of our being. David-Goggins-style 'Mind over matter' is overrated. Our will is bounded. There is a limit to everything. When we fundamentally lack energy or our nervous systems are not ready - if we push ourselves too hard, we can strain our bodies and break - figuratively and literally. If the car doesn't have fuel, it cannot go on. Physical health is an essential component of happiness and well-being. This involves eating a balanced diet, getting regular exercise, being able to sun gaze, earthing, and prioritizing sleep and relaxation. When we take care of our bodies, we tend to feel better, have more energy, and be better equipped to handle the challenges that life throws our way.

It also involves taking care of ourselves in a holistic way, including our physical health, mental health, and emotional health. To practice self-care, start by making time for yourself each day. This can include doing activities that you enjoy, such as reading, exercising, or meditating.

Tip 2: Change the story you tell yourself. We live our stories.

How would you describe your life to others? How would you describe who you are to others? According to psychologists, our memories shape our identity and every memory we hold is essentially a narrative. As a result, our lives are essentially composed of stories. You probably heard that our memories are beautified with time - and scientists found every time we remember something, we actually edit what we remember depending on the mood we were in at the point of recalling. So what we remember can be completely different from what actually happened or facts. The stories we choose to tell ourselves have a powerful impact on our sense of freedom, our ability to effect change, and our imagination to create new stories. So, it's crucial for us to nurture the skill of crafting new narratives i.e. change the patterns to shift our paradigm. Ultimately, the stories we tell about our own lives define who we are. Therefore, the quality of the world we inhabit depends largely on the meaning we give to it, which is determined by the story we tell ourselves.

One way to change the negative story you tell yourself is to start small with gratitude. Gratitude is the act of being thankful for what we have in our lives. It is a powerful tool that can help us shift our focus from what we don't have to what we do have, esp. when things are not going our way. Gratitude can increase our happiness levels by promoting positive emotions, reducing stress and anxiety, and improving our overall well-being. To cultivate gratitude in your life, start by making a list of the things you are thankful for each day. Try five things first thing in the morning upon waking up. I keep a bullet journal of each morning and evening to make a note of 'magical moments' and 'grateful things and experiences.' This can be as simple as being able to move your body at will or having a roof over your head.

Tip 3: Nurture Positive Relationships - Find Your Supportive Tribes

The pandemic lockdown taught me the importance of human connection. Human beings are social animals and isolation and loneliness can stiffen our brain and literally depress and kill us. Our relationships with others play a significant role in our happiness levels. Positive relationships can provide us with emotional support, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of connectedness. To nurture positive relationships in your life, start by being present and attentive when you are with your loved ones. Show interest in their lives, listen actively, and be supportive of their goals and aspirations. Also, try to surround yourself with positive people who uplift and inspire you.

Tip 4: Find Meaning and Purpose

Having a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives can contribute significantly to our happiness levels. When we have a purpose in life, we feel motivated and fulfilled, which can lead to increased happiness. To find meaning and purpose in your life, start by identifying your values and passions. Think about what makes you happy and what you enjoy doing. Then, try to align your actions and goals with your values and passions.

Tip 5: Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being present and aware of our thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. It can help us reduce stress and anxiety, improve our relationships, and increase our overall well-being. To practice mindfulness, start by taking a few minutes each day to focus on your breath and become aware of your thoughts and feelings. You can also try incorporating mindfulness into your daily activities, such as eating or walking. It doesn't need to be a lotus-posed meditation - it can be any activity that gets you into a state of flow.

In addition to these five tips, there are many other habits and practices that can help us cultivate more happiness in our lives. For example, practicing self-compassion, cultivating a sense of humor, and finding ways to manage stress and anxiety can all have a positive impact on our well-being. Additionally, it’s important to recognize that sometimes avoiding certain behaviors or situations can be the best way to cultivate happiness. For example, pursuing material possessions in the hope of finding happiness in objects (materialism) often leads to chronic dissatisfaction rather than contentment.

Conclusion

Happiness is an achievable state of mind that can be cultivated through positive actions and attitudes. By practicing gratitude, nurturing positive relationships, practicing self-care, finding meaning and purpose, and practicing mindfulness, we can increase our happiness levels and live more fulfilling life. Please share your thoughts and please be happy or try to find a reason to be happy today!

❓ II. FAQ

Q: Can happiness be achieved through material possessions?
A: No, material possessions may provide temporary happiness, but they do not lead to lasting happiness.

Q: How can I practice gratitude when I am going through a tough time?
A: Try to focus on the things that you still have in your life, such as your health, your relationships, or the love and support of your friends and family. You can also try to reframe your thoughts by looking for the positive aspects of a challenging situation.

Q: What are some self-care practices I can try?
A: Some self-care practices include exercise, healthy eating, meditation, journaling, taking a relaxing bath, or doing something that brings you joy, such as reading or listening to music.

Q: How can mindfulness help me cultivate happiness?
A: Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, which can allow you to manage them more effectively. By practicing mindfulness, you can reduce stress and anxiety and increase your overall sense of well-being.

Q: What if I am struggling to find meaning and purpose in my life?
A: If you are struggling to find meaning and purpose in your life, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support as you explore your values, passions, and goals. You can also try volunteering or participating in activities that align with your values and interests.

📚 III. Here are my favorite top 10 books on happiness:

1. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin - This book chronicles the author's year-long journey to increase happiness in her life through various experiments and changes.

2. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert - This book explores the science of happiness and how our brains perceive and pursue it.

3. The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler - This book is a conversation between the Dalai Lama and a Western psychiatrist, exploring the nature of happiness and how to achieve it.

4. The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky - This book outlines practical strategies and activities for increasing happiness, based on scientific research.

5. Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Matthieu Ricard - This book draws on Buddhist philosophy and the author's personal experiences to offer insights and guidance on cultivating happiness.

6. Happiness Is a Choice You Make: Lessons from a Year Among the Oldest Old by John Leland - This book chronicles the author's interviews with six New Yorkers over the age of 85 and how they maintain happiness in their later years.

7. The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu - This book is a conversation between two spiritual leaders discussing the nature of joy and how to cultivate it, despite life's challenges.

8. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi - This book explores the concept of "flow," or being completely absorbed in an activity, and how it can lead to increased happiness.

9. Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar - This book offers practical advice and exercises for increasing happiness, based on the author's popular Harvard course on positive psychology.

10. The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessons From the World's Happiest People by Dan Buettner - This book examines the habits and practices of the world's happiest people, and how we can incorporate those into our own lives.